Arthur's Second Insult
by Sparkling Slayer
Summary: Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged and his list visit Arthur again.....Only a short piece, hope you enjoy it - PLEASE R&R. Thanks!


Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or places in this piece of fiction. I do not have any commercial interest in this and use the great Douglas Adams' creation of The Guide with grateful thanks.

NOW READ IT!!

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The low hum of a powerful engine; the click of machinery working smoothly and without effort. The scream of clouds parting, ripping away from the shape tearing through them……

The slim, silver, dart-shaped craft lowered itself through the clouds and hovered above the treetops for a moment before continuing on its downward path, the hum of its powerful engines disturbing the quiet peace of prehistoric Earth. Short legs extended silently beneath the craft as it touched down in a clearing, close to a dank opening in the hillside which revealed itself to be a large cave mouth. The hum and click of machinery fell quiet and the engines powered down rapidly. Silence fell once more on the tree-surrounded clearing.

A ragged figure emerged from the cave and stood staring at the ship, hand shielding its eyes, which boggled wildly and didn't believe the shape in front of them. _I must be drunk_, the figure thought, though it didn't know what with, since bitter didn't seem to be available here and there definitely weren't any bar snacks.

There was another low self-satisfied hum and a hatch smoothly slid open in the ship's side. A shining silver ramp extended downwards and a shape emerged from the ship's interior, peered round at all the trees for a moment without much interest, then spotted the scruffy figure in front of the cave. The occupant of the space-craft peered down at the clipboard it clutched in one hand, made a mark on it with the other and then marched purposefully down the ramp.

It halted in front of the terminally bewildered figure of Arthur Dent and opened its mouth to speak.

"Haven't we met somewhere?" Arthur said brightly, before the alien could actually get any words out.

The tall, spindly alien looked down his long nose at Arthur for a moment and glanced round at the clearing they stood in. He looked back at Arthur. He looked Arthur up and down, taking in the battered and threadbare dressing gown, the flapping slippers, the rabbit skin bag and wild hair and beard (now adorned by a rabbit bone). Arthur had, just that morning, decided to go mad. He'd been mad for about three hours now and had come to the conclusion that it was one of the best decisions he'd ever made.

An alien brow raised, arching upwards as if it was trying to climb off its owner's head in a sudden bid for freedom. At the last minute it stopped. It gave the alien an unbearably superior look, as indeed did his general air of being clean, well-dressed, and owning an incredibly sleek, shiny spaceship. The ship glittered and shimmied proudly in a particularly scintillating way under the virgin sunlight. Arthur gazed at its alien beauty with misty eyes.

"I _hardly_ think so," the alien said, sniffing pointedly. "Now, your name is Arthur Dent, is it not? Arthur Philip Dent? Of Earth?"

"I'm sure we've met," Arthur persisted stubbornly, ignoring the question. "I'm sure I recognise you." He took a step back. If you held your head to one side, _so_, and squinted with one eye completely shut, _so_, and tried the camel-trick of looking out of your nostrils, _so_, the grey-green alien figure did look familiar……

The alien being looked down at his clipboard. "Are you quite sure about this?" he snapped. "You're Arthur Dent, D-E-N-T, middle initial P? And why are you staring at me out of one nostril?" he added. "Stop it at once."

Arthur wasn't the best judge of expressions, but he thought the alien was frowning. Nervously he tightened the cord on his dressing gown and considered making a run for it before deciding that was entirely too sensible a course of action for someone who was mad. The alien was muttering under his breath as he flipped through a couple of plasti-sheets on the board.

"_…..damn computer, meant to be impossible to go wrong….I don't know, it'll take me years to sort this lot out…….huh…"_"

Finally he looked back up at Arthur, eyes narrowed, lips pursed. His gaze was not, Arthur felt, particularly friendly.

"I'll have to see about this," he snapped. "You wait here." He turned, stomped back up the ramp and disappeared into the dark interior of his ship to see what, if anything at all, his computer might have to say.

Arthur wavered in the cave mouth and wondered what he should do. The alien didn't appear to be terribly threatening – just not very happy with life, and with Arthur in particular at this moment. In the end he settled for doing nothing very much, which he'd always found to be the best course of action. He waited, idly stroking the rabbit skin bag which hung at his side. He was quite proud of the bag; he'd made it himself. It helped to pass the time, since he'd got fed up with the squabbling of the Golgafrinchans and pushed off. He wondered vaguely where Ford had got to, got bored with that after a few seconds and tried humming a small tune. He got bored with that too and reverted to his new hobby of being mad. Cartwheels, he decided, would be a good idea at this point.

The alien being re-appeared at the hatchway and stomped furiously back down the silver ramp, this time minus his clipboard. His fists were clenched at his sides as he marched up to Arthur's quivering, dishevelled figure. He'd managed two cartwheels before falling over.

"Do you know who I am?" he said, squinting over Arthur's left shoulder at a particularly fascinating clump of bushes.

Arthur considered the alien's question for a moment, wondered briefly what was in the bushes, then shook his head. "Errrr…….No?" he hazarded. "I'm still sure we've met, though," he added stubbornly.

The alien ignored this. "I, Earthman, am Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged," he intoned. He paused for effect. Arthur wondered if he'd forgotten what he was going to say. "Do you know what my mission is in this miserable, eternal, prolonged life?" he continued, breathing out heavily through his nose.

Arthur thought about this for a moment then shook his head. "Ahhhhhhh…….No?" he ventured.

"To insult everyone – _every single living being_ – in the entire universe _once_. Except _you_, apparently. You've broken my computer. _You_," he said, as if Arthur had done this to personally annoy him, "are on my list _twice_. Twice!" He paused again and switched his gaze to the bushes over Arthur's right shoulder. "Do you know why I have chosen this as my life's work?"

Arthur thought about this as well. His brain felt overloaded; it hadn't had this much use since Ford had pushed off after the squabble over who got to sit on the stone outside the cave. "Ummmm…….No?" he hazarded in a wild guess.

"_Because I can and because it's something to do_," hissed Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged bitterly. "And you, Arthur Phillip Dent, are an asshole. Again. A jerk. A snotball. A pimple on the buttocks of humanity."

He turned on his heel, marched back up the ramp and disappeared into the ship, leaving Arthur reeling behind him. The ramp retracted itself hastily and the hatch slid smoothly closed. The sound of the engines quietly powering up filled the clearing.

"But……," Arthur stuttered. His jaw flopped about for a bit while his brain tried to stop it. "But…….er…….but………but……Hello? Hello?! Yes??" He ran around the clearing, flapping his arms. "Come back!" he yelled at the sleek silver shape, waving a fist wildly and hitting himself round the head. "Come back here and say that!"

As the ship lifted easily away, legs folding back up into its belly, Ford Prefect suddenly popped up from the bushes where he'd been lurking.

"You should've asked for a lift," he said quietly and started to laugh.


End file.
